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IT'S COLD OUTISDE....

It's a wee chilly in the wind today, but have decided to take a brisk ride anyways. Think I'm riding Shakota's short self. He's so easy to mount in comparison to the climb I have to make on Mama & Jubilee. 'Kota's not but 14 hands, in respect to their 15 & 16 hands. 4inches can make a difference when trying to make that graceful mount. some of my mounts are much less than graceful. I do this one-two-three hop thing. the third one usually lands me in the saddle nicely. Anyway....how the hell did i get off on this subject!?

Ronnie's been on my mind lately. Beating myself up more than anything. I've GOT to stop doing this! It's not helping me move forward in any capacity. I miss the strida folding bike financial security Ronnie had to offer. but that's not all there is in this world. & a marriage can't run on money alone. something between us died. i lost respect for ronnie over that damned beer. He was once my best friend...I thought. I don't know what happened to us. papa & sandy died & our marriage went right down the tubes with 'em. too many losses that year.
From Oct. 2005....

First Papa died.
three days later on papa's funeral day...my uncle sandy died.
3 wks later we finally have a memorial for sandy.
in Dec....I had to put down my crippled calf.

2006
in March...my horse FanC died in my arms.
June...the mule died.
August....ronnie's aunt Johnny died
August ...had to put down my 12 yr old potbell pig.
Dec...first christmas without papa, sandy, & johnny.

2007
ron's drinking became a growing issue.
stopped being secretive about talking to Billy.
separated in march.
divorced by oct 23rd.
took up a relationship with billy straight out of the marriage.
have sister, kids, step kids & mother all looking to us for rescue & that's not possible. I just can't save the world.

I wander what 2008 is going to hold for me? I hope i'm in nursing school actually. I need to do something to give myself some focus. I'm sitting around thinking too much lately & that gets me into trouble.

well, that's about it for now. gonna grab a jacket & move out for a little while. HOpe your days going well.

IT'S BEEN ABOUT A LAZY DAY...

we haven't done much, except that i did clean out the truck a little bit today, since we're going to Billy's mom's for Thanksgiving. My two kids are gonna be there too. I'm looking forward to the visit & lots of good pictures.
It'll be my first time to be around all my kids and all 3 grandkids at the same time. I'm really looking forward to that. Oh happy day!

Manda's unhappy in her marriage & fitness equipment on the brink of leaving James. I think it will be best for her. However, it's going to be very hard on her, what with having 2 babies to care for. I'll do what I can, but sooner or later I have my own life to live too....like getting a job.

Mama is about to drive me crazy. she's very manipulative & thinks my schedule should revolve around hers. It's a good thing I don't have a job just now. everyone would be in a real pickle without Lynda to cheauffer & pet & dote on them. She's coming to stay with us from the 26th to dec. 2nd. then she's flying up to wyoming for 2 or 3 months. I have to admit it will be a sigh of relief for me that she'll be gone. I can't express the added pressure I feel psychologically around mama. she's such a controlling person. down to the most minor of things. I'm gonna lose my mind dealing with her yet. She's definitely improving healthwise, & getting meaner by the day. I go to the nurses & apologize for her attitude sometimes when she's been particularly rude & disorderly.

i asked ron if he'd consider letting me have the donkeys back. i really miss my donkey duo. they were so funny. frankly i'm missing a LOT of things....& ronnie is one of them. sometimes i'm not sure i did the right thing. what am i talking about. I didn't leave. HE LEFT ME!!!!!! He got in a real hurry for a divorce & it sure didn't take him long to replace me once he quit crying in his beer. I'm angry i think. i like my life as it was. i just didn't like that he drank all the time & turned into a liar. *sigh* he lies to me even now about stupid stuff. i don't know why he thinks he has to lie. I called him 2 nights ago & SHE *sharon the new girlfriend* answered the phone. that threw me for a loop. I just know what to feel about it all.

How am i feeling about Billy? I love him. But i'm really put off about the financial situation for I don't feel he's taking care of matters & my money doesn't go far enough. I just don't know if i want to live my life out being in dire financial straights all the time. I just don't know what i'm feeling right now frankly. I'm starting to see myself as a single woman even tho' billy lives here. I'm getting the umph under my belt finally to realize that i've got to take care of myself, for no one else is going to care for me the way ronnie did. about that one thing...ronnie was right. no one is going to cater to me quite the way ronnie did. I didn't have to do anything. literally.. now i'm having to learn to be responsible for everything. it's hard to make such a big adjustment, but i'm getting there. it's really hard doing all this and being bipolar on top of it all.

it'll be alright tho'. i'm getting there. i'm just taking one day at a time. managing the best i can. hope your day's going well. take care. TTFN. chow!

why do we always fight
why doesn't it feel like he loves me as much anymore
why do i feel ugly
why do i feel fat
why do i feel like he thinks that
why am i home on a saturday night
why aren't i happy
why are all of my friends so unintentionally oblivious
why does lkjoiuytryteweqasfdg
:(

paranoia?

Life's pretty sweet right now. Can't really complain. Finals are just coming up, and it really sucks because this whole week is going to be hell, along with the week following it. I don't really like any of my old friends, except Sara and Rollie. I wish Katelyn lived on Long Island, she really does too much for me. People at school are great, with the exception of some. I love my professors, except like two lol.

I don't really want to drink anymore. I don't like how I act. and i'm really afraid something bad might happen some day, because i drink entireley too much. Most of the time, I dont even remember how i got home, or who i was with, or where my mo ney went or anything. It's really really really scary. The only problem is, if I don't drink, i'm either sitting int he corner texting having everyone ask me what's wrong, or i'm sitting in my dorm while everyone is out. I pride myself on not being one of those girls who's all over every guy, fucks them, and then says oh wait i have a boyfriend. I'll just never become that, I hate that.

Jer is retarded and really takes everything the wrong way. I blew a kiss at emily, and he was in front of her so he thought i was doing it to him, and he like winked at me and ever since then its been like be on top of me 24/7........NO.

i'm kind of scared for how hard i fell for taylor. i'm actually really scared. the last time i felt like this, it didnt last too long, and when it was over, i was lower than low. I dont want to get hurt. I can't get hurt...especially like that, ever again. i can't have the whole cycle of "i love you so much" to the next day " i fucking can't stand you anymore, were over." to like 3 months later when i'm actulaly over him " i miss you, lets be together again, k?" I don't really see what was so great about that asshole anyway, I get so fucking angry with myself when I think of how i LET HIM treat me, jeez. Atleast he doesn't have my number anymore.

But what probably scares me the most is being forgotten, like taylor talks about her now like he never even loved her. Maybe he's just saying that to me to make it not awkward, but maybe he's not? Maybe he only loved her for a short amount of time, and then just dealt with her the whole time they were going out. Maybe he just pretended to love her when he really didn't...what if he's doing that to me? i wouldnt know. she didnt know. Like what if to his next girlfriend he says " HA ally yeah i hardly even liked her" cause he's said to me before " you don't understand, i didnt really like her"...And i can't help but compare myself, what if she was a better girlfriend than me, more fun? prettier? more thoughtful? HAHA WOW, i just read that and i think entireley way too much, feels good to get out though, cause god knows i would never say that to anyone... All i want to do is make him happy, simple as that.

bahahahahahaha i had a dream last night that marilyn moved back to ny and he broke up with me for her hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahaha i am so pathetic. I woke up and seriously wanted to hit my head against the wall, i'm so gay sometimes, like why would i dream that? hm concious in the back of my head, go away!

I guess I'm writing so much because I dont have my stupid journal anymore, i thought it was better not to bring that to college. I MADE A GOOD DECISION FOR ONCE! Tomorrow's 5 years without Aunt Kerri, it's still weird. Life's weird. Everythings weird. I'm weird? yes.

whatever.

OH and ps; juicycampus.com is the worst website that has ever been made. stop the hate and start the peace.